Gametes In Love

Santa’s come early to our house this year. Although his full generosity won’t be revealed until next week, this particular item will be getting use as soon as possible.

Introducing, the next stage of bum cleanliness: G’s Bum Genius Diapes.

They’re cute, they’re colorful, they hold stuff in. ‘Nuf said.

Yey diapers!

I can’t wait to use them… and I’m sure G-man can’t wait to make his first deposits and spray them with his personal rinse.

G’s not a fan of the tummy time. I’ve tried just putting him on a blanket, using a boppy pillow, putting him on his activity mat. No luck as of yet. It all produces an instantly whining, crying, then shrieking baby.

Today, I tried to get creative using some advice from my fellow Nesties. I lied down on the floor and put him belly down on me so that if he picks up his head a tad he’ll see my face. First reaction upon head-lift produced a smile and a giggle. I’m thinking “Score! Maybe this will be the charm”… and then a millisecond later came the spitup of all spitups.

Of course. All on my neck and then my freshly cleaned sweater. Tasty!

After cleaning his face off, his outfit, my shirt, cleavage and the look of “ew, gross” on my face, I put his burp rag on my belly then G on top. Alas, there ended the smiles of tummy time. Back to crying it went.

Sigh. At this rate, I think I’ll be able to train Neko to roll-over on command before G.

My sole comfort in this is knowing that I haven’t yet met an adult that can’t roll-over. G will get there! He might be walking before it happens, but he’ll roll-over and tolerate being on his belly at some point.

Yesterday marked the 5th (and last) day of exclusively pumping and feeding per the experiment we’re running with our lactation consultant. I cheated once and nursed him instead of a bottle, but every other feeding was as prescribed.

I am happy to report a 6.5oz weight gain over last Monday. 10lb 7.4oz on 12/8, today 10lb 14oz. That’s nekkid baby and everything.

I’m thrilled… but I don’t know what it means. I’ve managed to scrape by the necessary 27oz. It’s been close every day, but I’ve done it. Based on this our lactation consultant thinks it might be an issue with him drawing enough, but I think it’s probably a pairing between that and a supply issue on my end. We’ll be reviewing my tedious data gathering on Wednesday, though, and hopefully that will pinpoint things a little bit more.

The last five days of pumping and feeding have both been wonderful and hell at the same time.

Wonderful because:

1. being able to feed him in the car (even while moving), or in a restaurant, or in a department store… wherever… without having to find comfortable seating, cover up, etc. is nice

2. S gets to do at least one feeding a day and spend time with G. I love daddy and G time. I also love “me” time 🙂

3. I’m not sure if it’s related, but G has slept through the night every night that we did a day of bottle-feeding. I’m talking 7:30pm – 7:00am (sometimes later) sleep through the night with no wake-ups.

Hell because:

1. G and S can both sleep through the night, but I still have to get up at 3am to pump, and stay up late until 10:00-10:30ish to pump once more before sleep.

2. Pumping while interacting with an attention needy child is difficult

3. Have I mentioned how horrible my hands look now? I feel like I do nothing but wash bottles these days. Bottles to pump into, other bottles to feed out of — I have bottles in my nightmares and my hands, I swear, feel like sandpaper.

In a way last week was good practice for when I return to work, but it also makes me realize I’ll get a little of both worlds. I get to feed G half of the time, and he gets a bottle the other half.

So that’s our news. We have one week of a weight gaining baby. We still have a ways to go in order for him to get back on the graph (he’s still below the 3rd percentile for his age group), but hey, it’s a step forward.

The other day I had a follow up appointment at my OB’s office. S was at home with G, so as I waited patiently in the office I was flipping through the literature. They had this book called Baby 411. Seemed like an interesting read.

I stumbled across the “Illness” section and as I was reading about projectile, Exorcist-like vomiting I realized I’m pretty afraid of G getting sick. It had always been on the back of my mind. I mean, getting sick is inevitable, and since G is not superhuman he willl get his first cold sooner or later. Since he’s going into day care sooner might be sooner than I’d like.

I dread this! I’m worried I won’t recognize a cold and he’ll suffer because his mommy is an idiot. How do I know what hurts? What if he has a sore throat and doesn’t want to eat for pain of swallowing? What if he throws up? Crap, what if he has a high fever? How high is too high? I don’t think I’ll have enough time to finish up med school before the first Booger Man visit!

Yeah, I’m paranoid!

That book said that the average child will spend 80 days being sick between the months of October and April (prime cold/flu season). 80 days!?!? That’s 80 days that my little guy would be miserable. That just breaks my heart.

I now have an urge to douse his room with disinfectant, have everyone wear hospital gowns around the house and scrub in before they enter.

Anyone have an isolation bubble I can borrow?

Pics from our Holiday shoot with Augie. Look at me little man! He’s starting to look so grown up.

more pics here

My place of employ had a rather sizable (and public might I add) round of layoffs. It was no surprise to anyone. I consider myself as close to living under a rock as possible these days, and even I knew about it. The press has been talking and speculating about it for months. After awhile I just wanted it to be over already.

And now it is.

Good news: I still have a job.
Bad news: I still have a job.

Yep, for the first time in my professional career a round of layoffs did not bring panic attacks to my morning wake-up routine. As much as I like working, I’ve also enjoyed my time with the G-monster at home. No matter what happened I was at peace with it because one way or another I’d be getting something good out of it.

Oh, here’s some fun trivia for you: In the past 8 years of my professional career, I’ve had 3 separate employers and I have neither quit nor been fired once. Aaah, the joy of good ole’ economic bubbles.

On Sunday, we went Christmas tree hunting with our friend M. Not “find-a-tree-in-a-lot” hunting… real “stalk it, cut it, bag it” tree hunting. It was a lot of fun and I really hope we can make this an annual tradition. Oh, and I got to cut it down.

Live vicariously through pictures:
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And how does that make you feel?

In my naivety, pre-childbirth I had idealized that I would exclusively pump and then feed G the expressed milk. G would still benefit from the breast-milk, S could bond with him more through feeding himself, and so on and so forth. My first nursing session as a result felt a bit awkward. It wasn’t my plan! What if I was setting myself a bad precedent?

And then I got over it and forgot all about it… and little be knowns to me, became quite attached to nursing.

How do I know this? Because the lactation consultant at our pedi’s office has asked me to exclusively pump for the next week in an attempt to rule out a few more things related to G’s recent weight issues. This way we’ll know if a) I am not producing enough; or b) G is not pulling enough from me despite the available supply. If both of these turn out to not be true… well, then we go into the pediatrician with this additional information and start pursuing other avenues.

So now I have to pump, note the time & quantity of each session, feed and then note his behavior and mood throughout the day. Luckily I’m already tracking 90% of the above (thank you Trixietracker!) for quite some time now so pulling up that data won’t be difficult. We do this for 5 days. On Monday I go in for another weight check and have another consultation.

5 days might not seem like much, but the logistics around it are making my head spin. My idea of exclusively pumping now seems so impossible. How do I get out of my house now? How do I manage to pump and keep G happy at the same time? He’s a pretty high maintenance kid, and won’t patiently wait by while I pump. I already have milk ready so that he doesn’t have to wait for me to pump to eat, but still…

This is what we’ll have to do when I get back to work, but it sounds easier having to pump while in the office — at least there I don’t have a little boy demanding my attention while I do so.

At his weight check this past Monday, G had not only NOT gained any weight, or even stayed the same as he had in previous weeks, he’s now lost weight.

I’m scared… and sad.

Scared, because what if this test shows it is me? Worse… what if it’s him?

Sad? Yeah, sad! I can’t explain this portion. My logical mind tells me to get over it, and deal with the issue at hand. Yet, I still can’t shake the fact that I’ve enjoyed having this experience with him, and I feel like it’s being taken away from me. I no longer feel as special… as important to him… adequate.

The weird part is that given my family history, I always knew there would be a chance (a good one mind you) that I might not be able to provide for my child. I told myself to embrace each day I’d be able to nurse him as a gift. Except that I didn’t. I took it for granted. And now that there’s a chance this might be over for us, all these feelings are coming up to bite me in the rear.

I hate feeling this way! I hate that we’re here!

Last Monday G weighed in just a tad over 10 lbs. He had no weight gain in a week, and two weeks prior he lost a bit of weight. As his sole source of food this is giving me complexes you can’t possibly imagine. He has PLENTY of diapers each day, so I know he is eating enough and is hydrated enough, so I don’t know what gives.

It doesn’t help when I hear friends casually mention their 18lb 4 month olds or 10lb 1 month olds. G is coming in at the 3rd percentile for his age group, and whereas I’m keen on the idea that my child is a rare diamond in the rough, when it comes to physical development I’m really happy for him to be very average.

I did have an epiphany this morning though, which after a tad of internet poking around (seriously, what did people do prior to the internet?) I think my idea may have some merit. Last year, amids our fertility testing, I was diagnosed with a thyroid disorder. Hypothyroid to be precise. I’ve been on medication ever since and will most likely stay on it for the rest of my life. Within a month of being on it, I did notice my metabolism leveling off a bit and I noticed long desired weight loss in my body. All this was good… back then. Now, I started to wonder if it’s possible that the medication transfered to G through my milk, or if it impacted the content of my milk, such that it is delaying G’s ability to grow. Turns out there is some merit to this and I’m not so crazy after all.  From my internet research I found this:

The likelihood is, if you are hypothyroid, and taking the proper dose of thyroid hormone replacement, you will be able to nurse your baby. However, La Leche League’s Breastfeeding Answer Book says, “Women with a history of thyroid problems may need to be retested if their nursing baby is slow in gaining weight, as changes in metabolism can affect milk production.”

Although I had my OB retest my thyroid levels a few weeks after birth (since my thyroid got a bit wacky after pregnancy), I’m going to ask to check it again. Also, I will be bringing this up to G’s pediatrician. We had weight gain conversations, and attributed his slow progress to his reflux. I never thought to mention my prescription regimen.

I may be grasping for straws here. I just want my little guy to be healthy and happy. I’m not thrilled about the idea of transitioning to formula, and even the idea of supplementing makes  me feel inadequate, but I have to keep reminding myself that this isn’t about me.

However, in ME news, as of today I’m only 3 lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight. My body shape is a different matter, but we’re getting there 🙂

In summary: weight loss in mommy? Good. Weight loss/stall in baby? Boo!