Gametes In Love

I quit my job two weeks ago. I will be starting a new gig with a different company come Monday, but decided to enjoy two weeks off… and they were blissful. I still had regular ole’ me duty evenings and week-ends, but between the hours of 8:30am and 5pm it was me doing what I want.

I walked the new Bay Bridge span

I got a facial

I played tourist in the city

I did some hikes

I ate great food

I reconnected with some old friends

I went shopping… for ME

I did some chores that were good to do with no kids around

I feel exercised, and educated, accomplished and reconnected. It was an awesome experience, that only makes me long for an extra week… although I know that if I had 3 weeks off, I’d wish for 3 more. It seriously makes me wish retirement came first in adult-life 🙂

Still… I’m excited about my new gig — here’s to a new professional life!

I bought myself a new computer. It arrived with Windows 8 installed. The interface is just not something I’m familiar with, and the learning curve is making me cranky.

I am driving a rental for the week. It’s a Toyota Avalon, and after driving the Honda Fit around for years, the Avalon feels like a boat. The car has a key-less control system, and I’m living in constant paranoia that I’m going to exit the car, forget to take the key with me and lock myself out. It also took me a few minutes to realize that the radio display was touch screen.

It’s just too much “newness” for me, and I’m not digging it right now. I’m a creature of muscle memory, and my current, long to-do list is only lending itself to tasks I can complete quickly through familiarity with my tools. I’m just not in a good mind space to dedicate myself to taking it all in to figure out it.

PS, Yes, I recognize that in about 10 years, when I come back to read this (or better yet in 20 when the boys do), all of this will seem like rudimentary stuff and looking back on this confusion will just sound dumb. But today, this is my life. Now… get off my lawn!!!

Today we celebrated the life of my grandmother with a funeral that was planned by her. Several years ago she selected songs, poems, and people to speak. It was a pretty awesome event filled with family and friends.

I drafted most of this post last night. As I listened to two of my cousins talk today about my grandmother, it wasn’t surprising that my thoughts and memories are very much the same as theirs.

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Lorena Hudson Piper – 1915 – 2013

I am grandchild #8 and the father of two of her great grandsons. 

Even though Lorena was her given name I don’t recall ever hearing her called by that name in a casual setting. When I was a child she was ‘Grandma Piper’. Others called her Aunt Teet or Teetie — which as a kid I thought was hilarious. It was only when I was a teenager that I learned that ‘teetie’ was how her younger brother pronounced ‘Sweetie’.

While she will always be Grandma Piper to me, the name I’ve grown to love is just ‘Piper’. It’s such a contemporary name for a woman who lived almost 100 years. Simple. Understated.

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Boys,

Today Great-Grandma Piper passed away. She was a lovely lady, and I’m very grateful that you had a chance to meet her and she you. She’s loved by many and it’s an honor to be part of her family. Rest in peace Grammie Piper!

Dear boys,

One of the things you need to know about your Mamma, is that she’s a crier at commercials and radio stories. NPR is a frequent offender with Storycorp, but once in awhile a show segment hits me. Today as I went out to pick up my lunch and a treat for my team, I came up on Talk of the Nation, as Neal Conan was interviewing a Kentucky farmer. You need to listen to it here. Mr. Vernon’s voice sounded heavy, and I can only imagine the difficulty he’s seen over the past few years, but his utter self-lessness and grace moved me by reminding me how kind, and generous, and good people can be. He showed me that even in the face of need, there is still room to help others because someone else needs it more. That even the smallest gesture can mean so much.

And you know what? I want to be him when I grow up.

I want YOU to be him when you grow up.

I would never wish hardship on anyone, but if we can find his grace even in dark moments? Well, then we made it!

We closed off last night with a fun evening with some old-time and new friends. The kids had a blast, stayed up late and conked out on the drive home. I reflected on 2012 at a point during the party; missing friends that left our world too soon; our Neko, but very grateful for awesome kids, a loving and supportive husband, and loved ones in generally good health.

2012 was a good year. I wish 2013 will be good to us AND you, as well.

I found out that one of my high school teachers passed away yesterday.
Strangely what I feel today is not a feeling a loss, but rather quite the opposite – a discovery. A discovery of self. It wasn’t until I started reading my friends’ posts about the influence he had on them that I realized the impact he had on my life, and who I am today because of being exposed to him.

I’ll be honest, following graduation, I didn’t think about Mr. Anderson much. I remember him as a somewhat callous, but entertaining person to be around. I was intimidated and kind of scared of him. You see, Mr. Anderson was my theatre director. I never had him for an English or Theatre teacher, but I auditioned for plays in his program. He had my friend B spend time with me over lunch, on that high school stage, teaching me how to “be big” and flirt with my body in such a way that the audience in the back row could see it (I was Bianca in Taming of the Shrew, so this was kind of a requirement). I thought that I was just a bad actor. Well, maybe I was, but now that I see he treated even my most talented cohorts the same, I feel better, and made me understand that what he was doing was pushing us. He pushed ME hard, and was the first person to call out that just “being” wasn’t good enough. I had to try and work toward something.  Back then, I harbored feelings of inadequacy, but now I realize that it was him not accepting a “high school” performance; it was him insisting we be better and go beyond who we were. When I forcibly push myself outside of my comfort zone, I know now, in part it is because of him.

I have fond memories of the time I spent with the friends I made during those years: the Thespian/Band crew. These are people that, today, I wish I kept in touch with more/more often. Perhaps I’ll get a chance to now that so many have come up to voice their respect for this man.
It’s a group that was so bright, and full of potential. One that to this day I try to measure up to. It’s funny, yesterday, I could confidently tell you that I am very content with where I am in life, and what I’ve achieved. Don’t get me wrong, I still do, but all of a sudden where I am feels a lot smaller in the sea of everyone’s accomplishments.

Lastly, I’ve realized that even though I’ve graduated high school and college; even though I’ve been working in the industry for over 10 years, in my mind Mr. Anderson along with the other influential teachers from my past, are still at ECHS. Still in their respective rooms, labs or studios. Still teaching. They’re so immortalized in my mind, that it rattles me to hear they are no longer (corporally) with us. Damn. My bigger than life people are human, and I never took the time to go back and acknowledge their incredible impact on my life.
I’m going to work to change that this week.

Rest in peace Mr. Anderson. And thank you! Thank you for who you have helped make me.

I am not in a good space right now. My rational side and my emotional side are flip flopping and I’m a bit of a mess.

Neko’s not well. And my heart hurts for him.

Saturday evening I noticed that Neko’s food bowls didn’t look particularly touched. Once in a while he has a loss of appetite, but it typically lasts through a meal. This felt longer. I had noticed the day before things didn’t feel right either. As he laid on the stairs that evening I stroked his back and felt a bit more spine than usual. He was in a weird position, and while “different” I didn’t let it alarm me too much. I just made it a point to be extra vigilant looking at his food intake the next day. Sunday? No change: food bowls stayed empty. So on Monday I called the vet. They asked me to bring him in right away, which I did. Blood draws and an exam later there was nothing that called attention to what was wrong, but he had lost a pound in over a month. We brought him home, he ate a little, and nothing since. Today he went back for an ultra-sound, and a heart re-check. It was only supposed to be x-rays every 6 months and he was due for those anyway. However, the physician that ran his echo-cardiogram/xrays last year, checked him and was surprised to see how progressed his heart condition had gotten. As a result, his lungs have filled with fluid. He’s uncomfortable, hence the no eating. It’s strange, because other than the no-eating part, he feels totally fine. He’s in good spirits; naps in open spaces, and isn’t trying to hide.

Neko is now home, on medication for 7 days. We’ll re-check via xray after that. If his appetite doesn’t return in 2 days, we’ll also need to start some appetite stimulants. And watch his kidneys: it will be a fight to keep his kidneys OK, lungs improving, and heart stabilizing. And if nothing improves… well, we’ll be having to say Good Bye.

This is where I don’t know what I want. I am NOT ready to say part with him. I’m really, really not.
But his heart condition cannot improve. It will only keep getting worse. If this is not his end, it will be coming sooner rather than later. And given the acceleration over the past 6 months, perhaps much sooner.
I don’t want to see him in pain.
I don’t want the kids to be older and much more cognizant of what will happen to him. They are so, SO smart. And so, SO insightful. I hurt for me thinking about Neko’s future. I hurt more thinking about what to say to them, and how to explain it.

I cannot pray for a miracle. Because in this case I know it’s not possible. I wish it could be.

But I will miss him SO much.

I know I haven’t been the best mom to him since the boys came. There. I said it. He’s been neglected, and he’s been lonely. I love him. I pet him, but no, I haven’t given him the attention I used to. The attention he needs. I know this had no bearing on his condition — it’s genetic, and we brought him in for treatment very quickly. But I still feel guilty. Guilty for having missed out on precious time with him.

So now what?

I guess all I can pray for is peace.

Remember the awesome garden we planted last year? It did work out. We grew some veg. And we “shared” it with our local wild-life. As a matter of fact, they ate so well, that I harvested absolutely 0 zucchini last year, only about a dozen strawberries (out of 6 plants) and a handful of tomatoes (although the tomato crop was really more my fault for not having pruned properly).
This didn’t bother me much to be honest: I am happy to co-exist with my local rabbit and squirrel neighbors, but this year someone (thing?) crossed the line.
You see, I planted 3 awesome tomato plants. They grew a bit, until one morning I woke up to find one of my tomato plant stems pretty much down to a nubbin. I mourned it’s loss and thought “Damn winds! Broke off my plant. I should start to tie them when they’re this young” Shortly after, the other 2 plants met the same fate.
So I went back out to the store. I got new tomato plants. I staked them early. I even put a cardboard wind-barrier around them (not great for sun, but gave them a chance against the wind). Within days, same thing: seared off an inch above the dirt. And that’s when I realized the wind wasn’t the culprit: some little critter was.

I bought a third set of plants. Planted, and covered my existing fence, with an even finer mesh. All but about a 2’x4’ space had ¼” whole netting, while the rest had about 1.5” wholes. My whole garden area looked scary from all the netting over it. 2 days. That’s how long my plants survived.

And I was mad! I really wanted to grow some Black tomato varieties this year. Home depot occasionally has them, but really, not common. The war was on. Especially since in my 3rd planting, my mom had sent me some tomato plants she grew from seedlings my grandmother had sent her. Seedlings all the way from the other side of the world, from my grandma’s famous tomatoes (I almost broke a leg one year trying to get a ‘mater off a vine – these things are good stuff). When I saw the remnants of my grandma’s plant, my heart sank. It’s over now!

The worst part was not being able to identify what was getting to my veg: if it was a rabbit, I can do a finer mesh all around and not have to worry about access from the top. Since my garden backs up to the neighbor’s house, and their roof-line is only 3’ above our side-walk, it’s not difficult for a squirrel, or rat, to shuffle across the drain pipe, stock up on dinner and be on their merry way. But also if it’s not a squirrel now, it likely will be come fall.

So S and I spent a week designing an enclosure. And then another week (just about) building it. But it looks awesome! Sides and top. I love building things w/ S. He has the experience, know-how and ideas, and I bring some awesome 3-dimensional thinking, problem solving and reality checks to the table. We make a good team.

We made THIS. Ta da!

At this point, if an animal can get through this, they deserve the veg, and I will cave.

Another side effect to all this garden re-shuffling is that I’m making more of an effort to learn about gardening. Last year my approach was, plant, put drip system in place, tie up plants as they grow, and leave them alone. This was just an experiment for the kids: if it worked, great. If not, oh well: grocery store is just down the hill. Clearly the result of my poor “harvest”. Now with all this turmoil, I’m actually reading up more on gardening (and also copying a lot of my gardener friends). I’m excited to see what will happen by the end of the summer. In our yard we have: tomatoes, strawberries, spinach, lettuce, and basil. Let’s see what we’ll be eating in a few months.

I wanted to document this because it was honestly one of the awesomest FB exchanges I’ve had.

I made Easter Bread. I bought brand new yeast, used fresh ingredients. Things were going really well. Until I had to let my dough rise. 30 min. Nothing. I put my bowl on top of a heating pad on low, and covered it, in case the house was too cold. Another 30 min still nothing. Another 60 min. Same.

So I posted “What gives Easter bread? Why you no rise???” (truly not meaning anything past my frustration with my yeasties being lazy). And I got this:

TN: LOL
Me: Actually no pun was initially intended. But now I’m going to pretend I was witty and meant it.
TN: It’s the unintended sacrilege that makes it funny
TN: Did you buy Jewish yeast? They don’t rise during Passover
Me: Ha! It was Fleishmann’s.
TN: another mystery solved 🙂