Rambling
I’m still trying to make sense of today. I know I feel tired. And empty. A little scared. Thankful.
Things that made me cry today:
T. Giving her a hug today reminded me why we were there.
Jonathan’s batman slippers… while he and Nicholas wore dress suits that were a little big for their frame. They’re too young to know this grief.
Libby’s hand rolling her daughters casket into the service. Caskets should never have to be made for someone this little.
Libby’s words. How is she so composed in face of such devastation?
I was glad to have S with me today. I needed him by my side. And he was. So were the spouses of the rest of our group (as much as work allowed them to be). It was good to see the support system of the support system be there.
I needed today. It made it more real. Though it still doesn’t feel real. How can it be?
I haven’t cried much since the 12th. I thought I mourned her 4 times already. Maybe I was prepared? I wasn’t. Today was hard. Will there be more hard days? Will they catch me off guard?
I turned 35 this week. It’s the first year I feel so…. mortal. I’ve lost friends before. Loved relatives. Some were taken too soon. But none hurt this bad. How is that possible?
I look at my graying hair. At the wrinkles on face. I hate seeing them there. I’m not ready. I feel like I’m just starting to make a difference in this world: not transition into an age of obsolete-ness.
I notice more people around me experience loss and reflect on health scares. It’s too much. Too many. I need wedding announcements, baby births, and good luck for ‘getting your offer on that house’ requests. Not ‘there’s a lump in my breast’ prayers.
I can’t take much more.
My heart has reached capacity. I’m empathic. But I don’t have any more room to be sad. Not yet. I haven’t healed enough from this yet.
Ava, I’m so sorry. I’ve followed her story on the blog and cried so much, and I don’t even know them. But you are right – Libby’s words are incredible. I feel like you – I wonder if turning 35 is a milestone where we sort of realize that our best days may be behind us, but we aren’t ready for that yet.