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    How do you pray for something that cannot get better?

    I am not in a good space right now. My rational side and my emotional side are flip flopping and I’m a bit of a mess.

    Neko’s not well. And my heart hurts for him.

    Saturday evening I noticed that Neko’s food bowls didn’t look particularly touched. Once in a while he has a loss of appetite, but it typically lasts through a meal. This felt longer. I had noticed the day before things didn’t feel right either. As he laid on the stairs that evening I stroked his back and felt a bit more spine than usual. He was in a weird position, and while “different” I didn’t let it alarm me too much. I just made it a point to be extra vigilant looking at his food intake the next day. Sunday? No change: food bowls stayed empty. So on Monday I called the vet. They asked me to bring him in right away, which I did. Blood draws and an exam later there was nothing that called attention to what was wrong, but he had lost a pound in over a month. We brought him home, he ate a little, and nothing since. Today he went back for an ultra-sound, and a heart re-check. It was only supposed to be x-rays every 6 months and he was due for those anyway. However, the physician that ran his echo-cardiogram/xrays last year, checked him and was surprised to see how progressed his heart condition had gotten. As a result, his lungs have filled with fluid. He’s uncomfortable, hence the no eating. It’s strange, because other than the no-eating part, he feels totally fine. He’s in good spirits; naps in open spaces, and isn’t trying to hide.

    Neko is now home, on medication for 7 days. We’ll re-check via xray after that. If his appetite doesn’t return in 2 days, we’ll also need to start some appetite stimulants. And watch his kidneys: it will be a fight to keep his kidneys OK, lungs improving, and heart stabilizing. And if nothing improves… well, we’ll be having to say Good Bye.

    This is where I don’t know what I want. I am NOT ready to say part with him. I’m really, really not.
    But his heart condition cannot improve. It will only keep getting worse. If this is not his end, it will be coming sooner rather than later. And given the acceleration over the past 6 months, perhaps much sooner.
    I don’t want to see him in pain.
    I don’t want the kids to be older and much more cognizant of what will happen to him. They are so, SO smart. And so, SO insightful. I hurt for me thinking about Neko’s future. I hurt more thinking about what to say to them, and how to explain it.

    I cannot pray for a miracle. Because in this case I know it’s not possible. I wish it could be.

    But I will miss him SO much.

    I know I haven’t been the best mom to him since the boys came. There. I said it. He’s been neglected, and he’s been lonely. I love him. I pet him, but no, I haven’t given him the attention I used to. The attention he needs. I know this had no bearing on his condition — it’s genetic, and we brought him in for treatment very quickly. But I still feel guilty. Guilty for having missed out on precious time with him.

    So now what?

    I guess all I can pray for is peace.

    2 responses to “How do you pray for something that cannot get better?”

    1. […] had his re-check yesterday. I wasn’t expecting a full recovery — this is not possible, but he’s not worse […]

    2. […] A few weeks ago, I was really preparing for the worst in regards to Neko. Today, after yet another follow-up appointment, my heart is happy — his pulmonary edema is cleared, and he is no longer in heart failure. This has been his third x-ray in a month, and he’s  shown steady improvement each time. […]

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