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    Nursing: an end

    I believe the nursing chapter of my life is now over. I don’t know how to feel about it to be honest: I never thought I would be so conflicted about it, and yet I am.

    I guess the term “nursing” is an exaggeration. To be clear, I haven’t really been producing anything substantive for quite some time. While in Vegas for a week, I “pumped” to maintain what little supply I had, and during those sessions I was really only getting a pity-full 0.5 ounce of milk. S2, being the kind soul he is was just humoring me.

    So knowing I had nothing to give him, why is it so hard? We made it to 18 months, which is far longer than I ever would have thought possible. Given my family history I fully expected nursing to NOT be in the cards for me. I gave it my best shot, took it day by day, and I would say made it much farther than I ever expected. Was it worth it? Yes. Did enjoy it? To be honest, not really: it was something I knew was the right thing to do for the best of the boys, but I can’t tell you I loved it. So again, I don’t know why it’s so hard to give it up.

    Maybe because this is the last kid. The last time. It’s one of the many things I’ll do for the last time. In full anticipation of this, I had Kelly photograph us nursing during our last session together (total fakery because we don’t even nurse during the daytime anymore). I know these images will likely make the boys go “Yuck!” any time they see it, but they’re not for them: they’re for ME.

    I keep thinking that there should be oneĀ  last official event, but S2 isn’t asking, and I haven’t pushed to offer. A final, final session is more for my closure, and to some degree I think I’m afraid to get it. Right now, I can live with the illusion that while we’re done, we’re not really. And maybe I’m not ready to let go quite just yet of that thought.

    One response to “Nursing: an end”

    1. Marianne says:

      Thank you for sharing. Haley is just a few months younger than S2 and her nursing sessions are very short- I know she’s not getting much at all, but enjoys the comfort of it. I’m sure that at some point she won’t need that comfort anymore and I wonder how that will feel. I appreciate your perspective and the lovely photos!

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