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    Call me a wimp: I want a c/s… I think…

    You will no doubt recall the Bradley method classes S and I attended in preparation to meet G. You will also, no doubt remember his delivery: the hours of active labor, my swelling cervix, the pitocin, G’s transverse position, the cord wrap around his neck, and his rapidly declining heart-rate that all lead to an emergency c-section. Well, if you don’t, I still do. And those memories are really conflicting me on the birth experience I want with S2.

    Provided S2 doesn’t decide to go breach, Dr. M is pretty flexible with me trying for a VBAC. The decision is mine to make, and to be honest, right now I’m leaning towards a c-section. While I’m not 100% dedicated to this choice, here’s my thinking behind the vaginal vs. c/s delivery route:

    Vaginal delivery PROS:

    • Recovery could be faster. I’m not in as good a shape as I was 2 years ago, and while I bounced to “normal” activity levels before I even left the hospital without any pain-meds following my c/s, I can’t count on this being the case this time around too. While a vaginal delivery will leave me sore down under for a week, a slow c/s recovery can leave me hard of walking for much longer.
    • This is my last chance for one.
    • I would really like an un-medicated birth (and hell no would I consider getting cut open w/o meds)

    Vaginal delivery CONS:

    • It hurts
    • It hurts a HELLA’ve a lot
    • I can tear
    • A tear will hurt too
    • I won’t be able to sit on my bum while
    • There’s no guarantee that a vaginal delivery actually WILL happen
    • Small chance my uterus could rupture
    • I was really upset and disappointing when my med-free attempt ended up in a c/s. I felt like I had failed in some way. If only I had relaxed “more”, perhaps, things wouldn’t have ended up the way they did. It took me a long time to come to terms with this.

    C-section delivery PROS:

    • I know what to expect
    • I might be able to take a nap again during ๐Ÿ™‚
    • It’s over with quickly
    • I get 2 extra weeks of time at home with S2
    • No under-carriage tears or other owies
    • More dedicated alone bonding time with S2 in the hospital, with the rest of the world locked out

    C-section delivery CONS:

    • Realistic chance I won’t bounce back quickly
    • I’ll be away from G longer (4-5 days in hospital w/ c/s, vs. 1-2 days otherwise)
    • I won’t be able to pick up and carry G for awhile, and he’ll likely want that after some sibling jealously kicks in

    Really there are 2 parts that lean me very heavily towards a c/s: the physical pain of vaginal delivery and the extra 2 weeks of time at home. The second part is purely financial. There isn’t a spot at daycare for S2 until end of March. Right now, if S2 comes exactly on his due date, we’ll be making it just in time with how much time I can take off. However, if he comes early AND I choose to deliver vaginally it really puts us in a tough spot in having to bridge daycare for the difference. I just can’t handle the idea of putting him in one daycare for a period of time, only to pull him out and bring him to G’s daycare when his spot is available. The transition will be rough as is, and it’s not fair to him, to get him attached to one care provider only to turn around and change everything on him all over again.

    Then there’s the physical pain part. Those of you that have gone through labor and have had the privilege to deliver vaginally experienced the joy of holding your baby right away with all the happy hormones following that made all that pain feel worth while. I hope. You got that reward. Me? I didn’t. Instead, I have the pleasure of sporting a 4″ scar on my lower abdomen as a reminder that I spent 9 weeks in a childbirth course that I felt I flunked out of. And the longing for that un-medicated birth I wanted.

    If I plan for a vaginal delivery again, and if it doesn’t happen, there won’t be a 3rd time. I will still have the same sadness and longing as before. Still the same feeling of failure as before. PLEASE don’t get me wrong and think that I regret the safe delivery of G in ANY way. I am BEYOND thrilled that he was born healthy and safe and I wouldn’t have it any other way. My emotional hang-ups are not about him: they are about me, and how I feel I did during those hours of labor. The “what ifs”. I worry that if I plan for an un-medicated vaginal birth, and again if fails to happen for us, my feelings of sadness will be worse. If I plan for a c/s, on the other hand, then I won’t be disappointed. It’s a set the bar low kind of plan ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m being an emotional wimp as much as a physical wimp.

    However, I’m leaving the door open for myself. Dr. M and I have agreed on an unplanned c-section. I will wait to begin labor on my own and then head to the hospital for my c/s. S2 will get to pick his birthday and he’ll bake for as long as he chooses to. Within a limit that is. If he doesn’t come by 11/22 (the day after his due-date), we’re having the c/s then. Why 11/22? It’s the first week-day following his due date, and a few days ahead of Thanksgiving on the 25th. With this approach, I’m figuring if I feel emotionally ready and physically able to take on the pain of labor, I can change my mind about the c/s right then and there and go for it. And if not, well, then it goes as planned.

    So there you have it. Call me a wimp. I want a c/s… I think…

    4 responses to “Call me a wimp: I want a c/s… I think…”

    1. Brandon says:

      Wimp!

      Just kidding!

      As a dude, I cannot sit in judgment of any birth choice, but your logic seems pretty sound up there.

    2. Ozgirlkim says:

      I’m so sorry for you – and weirdly enough the part I feel worst for you about is that daycare is a factor in choosing you delevery method. That has to suck big time! We just would not have that issue in oz. On the other side though having a C/S would not give us extra time off I suppose (I am guessing this is a disability, sick leave thing). Here we get 3mths paid (most big compnaies esp yours) and the rest up to 12 mths unpaid. In Jan the govt is goign to top everyone to 6mths paid no matter what your employeer pays you.

    3. Amy says:

      Who knows…you might just surprise yourself and arrive at the hospital ready to push. A good doctor will help you to minimize tearing and if you get a 1st degree or no tear, you will be feeling fine as soon as you finish giving birth.

    4. Kimberly says:

      I can so totally relate to this… I had a c for breech, too… but I never even got to go into labor… my water broke and then that was it. ๐Ÿ™ DEVASTATED.

      But I am hell-bent on a VBAC this time… the last thing I need is to have to recover from surgery while chasing my two year old without the benefit of a supportive, present husband. To say nothing of the emotional toll and my incredible desire for a beautiful, intervention-free birth. Four weeks to go… I refuse to even allow myself to think about the alternative!

      We all have to go with our gut… what’s right for one mom may not be for another. The good thing about a planned c is you know what to expect, and you can prepare yourself, both physically and emotionally for it. I think the sudden nature of my c was a huge factor in how hard it was on me… I never even considered the possibility. You have time to decide, either way! ๐Ÿ™‚

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