Gametes In Love

I found a lot of support when we were trying to get pregnant (the first time around) on The Knot’s TTTC board. I got a lot of questions answered in regards to treatment, the process…. everything. I felt like I was prepared to make the right (for us) decisions through reading others’ experiences.

Then when we successfully got pregnant through IVF, I found that I had to leave that board. I did so for 2 reasons:

1) Respect for those still trying. While still coping with infertility, for some people, it’s difficult to be in the presence of those who have gone over to the other side… even if you shared the same origins. It’s a feeling very difficult to explain, and I won’t try. I wholeheartedly understand it, and by no means judge it.

2) Self preservation. For each happy baby story, there was the multitude of loss, sadness, and disappointment. I found that the only way I could focus on being of healthy mind was to stop reading about the sadness. Yes, I betrayed friends in that way, but I needed to. For myself, and for G. I won’t apologize for this.

Following my exodus from that community, I joined another — the happier side of IF: that with success. It’s a community that shares a lot, and it’s wonderful! Without it, my pediatrician’s office would have gotten 100x the calls and questions they’ve received to date. I’ve learned so much about nursing, supply maintenance, proper distribution of medication, gear, sleep training: truly the collective knowledge is amazing.

But sadness followed there too, and over the past two years, along with the invaluable parenting information I’ve received, I’ve also seen horrible things happen to wonderful people.

So here I am 4w5d pregnant, and this past week I’ve woken up from nightmares of miscarriage. I spent the first half of this week in dread each morning that THAT day can be the day that something horrible can happen. It wasn’t until noon that I shook that feeling. Let’s just say that it’s an awful, awful way to start your day. It’s gotten better over the last two days, but if I tell you that paranoia doesn’t enter my mind each morning, I’d be lying to you.

Hence the knowledge dilemma. I’m a better mommy because of my online obsession. I’m also a neurotic pregnant chick that needs to be committed into a sleep-induced stupor until week 26 🙂 FIX ME!!!